Make Sense To Me

So closely to end the sickness of despair, for once a thought of troubles melting like lemon drops, is no more than a meer nightmare. Make sense to this unfathomable dungeon where my dragon is chained down. Such chaos, I swear, though I shouldnt but I do. Just this question, why? Why become so "loose off that goose" if you cant bare with the rising sun? Haunt me so gently, but roughly. So that I can learn and live joyously. Make sense? It should. Once said, "I thought love would be my cure, but now its my disease"..Switch love to life and make it sing like an unforgettable projecting choir of harmonies galore. Should I explore? Yes. Yes. Yes. Bending at the knees and folding up your E's, letting him in to deliver the guidance to the sickening of my distraught soul. Pleasurable it may seem but undeniable it will be. Make sense? Good...

internet junkie

I cant be just on one blog site. I gotta have 2!

(not to mention I also have a Twitter, Facebook AND a Youtube)

I have no idea why, maybe to fill the void in my life, where "friends" should be. haha

I mean, who said you have to go outside to have fun?!?!?! shoot. sigh.

I started my first blog on Tumblr because all the cool kids were on there.

But I experienced Blogger and I absolutely adored it!

(and there were even more cooler kids)

Now what to do with 2 blogs?

Do I post the same entries on both? It started out that way. But its hard work.

So I came to the conclusion that Ill try and post the same

entries, but if that doesnt work out then

one blog will get one entry and the other a different one.

Just be lucky Im even trying to attempt to blog at all!

with the WILD life i live. HA!

So thanks for wasting your time to read this pointless but honest blog,

whoever you are...

til next time skinnies :)

Day 14: Someone you’ve drifted away from

The person I drifted away from is myself.

The past 2 and a half years I thought I was in control of my soul.

i was lying to myself.

I lost my inner everything. Thats why its so hard to find myself again and get

back on that track of self-enlightenment.

"to smile without reason" is a cry away.

Nothing compares to the love i showed myself before.

i was beautiful in my eyes.

"Conceited" is a term used only by those of UGLY.

I know youre out there Johnny, Im going to find you.

whether it be now or later, I WILL find you.

And when I do, its so ON! :)

-note to self, HURRY.

New Beginnings

I know I started a 30 Day challenge and I just stopped out of nowhere but

Life took a toll on me and gave me whiplash. So I'll just continue with that

with the days to come ;)

A lot has happened since the last time we spoke. A gripload.

Like a lot a lot!! Like Im not even kidding! A continuous line of unbelievability that

ceases to deterioate my breathing soul. Now do you see?

Ive lived my standards up to its max and Ill hold my grounds.

With that being said, I loathe the fact that people write about relationship issue related

"drama" on the internet. But Im a hypocrite. Ive done it on here. My blog. Ill

live up to that. I regret it. I can see why one would want to do it though. Its a hard knock life.

So, in other words, Im not going to say how my once "Longed-For" love is now at a end.

Just that, its an ending to a fairy tale that replayed...

Ive recently moved back home and started my life on the D-List.

Although my parents and family were ecstatic about the change. I was hesistant.

Not about the decision I made, but about my life.

How does one go from being independent to "depend on"?

My sister Camilla told me, "no one said it was gonna be easy, just worth it"

Those words have haunted me day in and day out. I tried to put a smile on and cover the

pain of starting over but its exceedingly hard. eh.

So, I decided to start with the most obvious. GET MY BODY BACK.

Two and a half years of letting myself go and not taking care of my health has left

a sadden look on my oversized chins.

So for those of you who dont know, Ive been excercising and dieting like no other.

It has taken so much pressure off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again.

Just taking it one day at a time.

I have my family and friends to thank. You all have been the best support system!

Ill give you all a dollar ;)

With trust unfolded and heart mending , my mind is at peace.

From the dogs chasing me and cars honking, my mind breathes.

The cries that turned into laughter, my mind is at attention.

Watch out world, my mind is free.

til next time fatties :)

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you

Someone I wish could forgive me is my family.

Forgive me for being so overly sensitive and hard headed.

Forgive me for leaving the house and leaving my responsibilities.

Forgive me for all my sins.

I know Im so messed up right now, but Ill get better and make it right.

please just forgive my daily demeanors...

ill come around.

Day 12: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Im going to make this brief.

I dont give a damn if youve caused me pain.

Whats done is done.

Look towards the winding roads that stand before us.

Never dwell on the past trials.

If you do, than YOU are the one that causes yourself the most pain.

Enough said.

Day 11: A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

A person I would love to talk to thats deceased is my Grandpa. My Moms Dad.

Ive gotten to know my Grandma and both of my Dads parents but

my Grandpa passed away when I was young. So I dont remember him. Im glad I know

that he at least held and kissed me once.

From all the stories I hear about him and all the good things hes done in his life,

I know that I would be in GREAT company if I were to sit with him and talk.

I want him to tell me if hes proud to have me as his grandson.

I would love to sit and hear him speak. To hear his voice and make jokes about

my mom and her siblings. I hear he was a funny man.

Sadly, I dont have a picture of him to display with this entry. But I'll get

one from my Mom later and post it up.

I love him and miss him even though I dont remember him.

Having faith knowing that he loved me is what brings those feelings.

Ill make you proud Grandpa. Tell Grandma I love her!

Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

This image says it all.

a picture that brought me much laughter.

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet

Someone I wish I could meet..

I actually wanna meet people I already know.

I wanna meet my parents when they were young. Before they met each other.

To see how they were. To see if the "good" children they said they were is true.

I wanna know who they played with and see the first day they met each other.

I love hearing stories about them but i wanna see that moment.

I just wanna go back and see not just them, but my Uncles and Aunties

and my grandparents. To the time when my generation wasnt here.

I just wanna go back in time and see them and befriend them.

And most of all to tell my grandparents that they have wonderful grandchildren.

Thats who I want to meet. My parents, when they were young.

Day 8: Your favorite internet friend

My favorite internet friend..

I dont have a favorite internet friend. Everyone is my favorite internet friend.

Being that all of my close family friends are everywhere except Vegas, I

usually keep in touch with everyone via internet, with the exception of my

family that is here with me. So in short YOU are all my faves!!! :D

Day 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

To you,

I hope life is treating you well with all your endeavors.

Sincerely Me.

Day 6: A stranger

Dear Stranger,

Say hi to me, im fun :)

Being able to relate to a perfect stranger makes me feel like the world isn’t so big after all..

I saw you . . You were all by yourself with your big black and orange sunglasses. We were playing volleyball in a circle that you happened to be in the outskirts of. I saw you watching us all, as if wanting to join in. Why didn’t you? You should have, instead of being alone and working on your tan. The whole two hours that we played in front of you, you just stared and tracked the ball in the sky. You nearly got hit a couple of times, and yet you still didn’t stir from your cozy lonesome chair. Young girl, you are a puzzling character to me. I hope that whatever was on your mind then is now at ease, and that you will be more sociable and talk to strangers. May you have a glorious tan.

Elementary school taught me not to talk to you.
Middle school taught me to reject your sweet offers and deny your ride.
High school taught me to proceed with caution.
Working taught me to mingle.
Life has taught me that strangers are just friends waiting to be found.
Unless you look like a effing creep and weirdo.
But until that happens,
I will remain just as much of a stranger as you are to me.

til next time fatties :)

Day 5: Your dreams

A dream is a wish your heart makes...
Here are some of my main hopeless aspirations in a nutshell.

Enjoy :D

To fly without wings

i know its ridiculous but its a dream that i will always dream. to be able to soar over the ocean and swim in the clouds is a childs fantasy. guess im a child & im lovin it.

Survive in the "Concrete Jungle"

I hear NYC is one of the most extreme cities to live in, I would love to conquer that. To eat a pretzel and a hot dog from a street vendor. To be a lame tourist and buy an "I love New York" t-shirt. Renting a run down studio thats the size of my bathroom and waving down those infamous taxi's...One day.

Star on Broadway

I know I would be great on the stage. I use to pursue that dream in high school but ruined engagements led to a dream killed. I have the projecting ability of a male "Jennifer Hudson", or so I think :) And I can make anyone laugh! I wouldnt doubt that I would make an audition and be a star.

To be called "Dad"

I would love to hear the words "Daddy" or "Dad" or "Papa" or "Pops" and so on. To have a Daddys Girl or a son who wants to be just like his Dad is priceless to me. I want to be able to share my children with the world, I want to see how my kids would look like, and if I would be a great parent. Time will tell.

Explore the world The day I travel the world and see the many colors of nature and people is the day I win a million dollars. HAHA Because seriously, you need money to do all that! hehe But WHAT a sensation that must be to experience the cliche of "a whole new world"! Seeing and hearing and eating and feeling and smelling and embracing other works of the world rather than the sweet comfort of home. How thrilling is that? All in due time.

Theres so much more that I dream, but I'll just leave it at that.

til next time fatties :)

Day 4: Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dear Siblings,

To all of my siblings, not just my immediate but also my extended.

You are all my brothers and sisters no matter what.

In this life we've come so far, and we're not only who we are

but also have each other in ourselves.

Sibling rivalry is the most feared concept in all of parenthood...

but with us, we know how to handle our situations...most of the time :)

From calling each other bro and sis to yelling at each other with fatso and annoying,

we have grown so much and learned a lot along the way.

I wouldnt have chosen any other family to be apart of because

ours is the best. Enough said :)

Someone once said, "its weird, yet cool that you all love to hang out with each other because i hate hanging out with my family..."

I just laughed. They dont understand what we have. I couldnt imagine a world

without you guys. You guys are the closest beings in my life.

Im so proud to share the same blood with you all.

We have our horrible downs and when we have them, theyre not just downs, theyre HELLA

DOWN!! but when we have our ups, the reach further than the stars.

Im happy we all hold that bond that no one else has.

I never thought when I was younger that everything would turn out the way it did.

That the once "older girls" are now mothers and now my bestest friends lol

and the "boys" have now become the Men of the family.

(we'll, im still on my way there lol)

and the kids are STILL the kids! haha seriously though, the kids are growing way too fast.

Enjoy your childhood my lil ones, for itll pass you quickly.

I never thought I'd see the day where we all go our separate ways and

have little families of own. Remember the days when we use

to all live in one house all together? *tear*

I love you my brothers and sisters. Forever and ever.

I know with all my heart that 20 years from now

we are still going to be exactly the same, beating our kids. hahaha

I wouldnt have it any other way :)

Love you guys!!!!

-johnny boy.

until next time fatties :)

Day 3: Your Parents

Dear Mama & Papa,

John and Tupou Tauta...

The reason why I strive for a better life and proud moments.

Mom and Dad, you have been the most important people in my life

and the most inspriring of all.

You have shown me how to survive in this life when you are gone and

taught me our culture and shown me how to respect and live right.

Im so thankful that Heavenly Father chose you to be my parents and to guide and protect me and to teach me right from wrong.

Ive seen you both struggle to take care of us and I hope I have that same

strength and courage youve had so that I can be strong and make the best decisions in life.

I know that Im a screw up and youre probably

wondering when am I going to get my , for lack of a better term, "shit", together and

Im telling you, I will.

I wont let you leave this world without making you proud.

I know Ive caused you such heartache with

the choices Ive made and Im sorry for being such a bad son.

I will live up to the name and make you happy that

Im your son.

I love you Mom and Dad.\

No one could ever replace you and no one can ever top you.

You are truly the best parents any kid could ask for.

Thank you for being my parents.

-your fat son :')

until next time fatties :')

Day 2: Crush

Dear Crush,

I dont have a crush. The only person I crush on is the person Im with. And if any of you know me at all, than you already know who that person is.

Im going to just jump into conclusion here and say

that todays entry is going to be somewhat...."short" :)

He knows how I feel about him.

Since there is no crush to write to then there is no blog.

So in short...

Until next time fatties :)

One of the funniest pictures I have EVER seen!

this picture is classic.

Day 1: Best Friend

Dear "Air",

So this is about my best friend huh. The term 'best friend to me is overrated. This coming from someone who has NO best friend. Its a sad day in Hollywood. HA!

Seriously, I dont have a best friend. I have many friends, but none that holds the name "Best." Other than my family and my Love, I dont have a Bestie :(

My family doesnt count, being that theyre my family, they will always be the closest ones to me.

My love Dannon is the person Im in a relationship with. Im in love with him and I do consider him one of the ONLY people who know me in and out. But he wouldnt if we werent together.

So sadly Im writing this "letter" to no one but "Air".

Sweet air, how youve been there for me since I arrived on this Earth. Nourishing my soul and replenishing my heart.

Ive had friends who I thought couldve been my best friend, but as time goes on, so do they. Im fine without a bestie though. I have too many people who care about me. So at the end My best friend is anyone who loves me.

Until next time fatties :)

start of something peculiar

So I stumbled upon this today and thought, why not? It'll help me post a blog every day for the next 30 days :D I hope you enjoy.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

For The Hell Of It…

Breathe Easily & Live Heavily

"Life will test your capacity to adapt before advancing you.. so, if you’re doing all you can, and the road still gets rough, you’re going the right way. Push."

-Gabe Bondoc

The image above couldnt be more accurate. I strive, like most people, for the better and expect the worst and hope for the best.

It may seem that the life I live is inevitably going to crash,

but I like to push denial to its max. Its not a bad thing I pressume, being that I am exuberant with every fragment of my life, so its not wrong for "being optimistic" to play a big role in my so called Film-of-Life....

So I live joyously and beautifully and with an open mind. So that I have the understanding and patience to fully make sense of my imperfect life.

So just to sum up my immeasurable thoughts......

Im not prefect, but I sure am happy.

Until next time fatties :)

just a lil sum' sum'

I told myself I wouldnt do anything like this for my blog, but I was bored and I wanted to post something and the lightbulb in my head didnt turn on, so I was left to this...enjoy.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A CHILD:
1. I like to imagine im a superhero
2. I play make believe when no ones looking.
3.I don’t know about mortgage...

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:
1. I dont live at home anymore :(
2. Im extremely fat.
3. Im a proud Uncle :)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:
1.Travel to all the Polynesian islands & Europe.
2. Star in a Broadway Musical.
3. Make my family proud.

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “samoan guy”:
1. Im fat.
2. People get intimidated just by my appearance.
3. Im family oriented

THREE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT YOU:
1. I have an amazing sense of humor

2. My family is extroadinary.
3. I love to dance.
THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My appearance.
2.I can’t explain things well when I’m arguing unless it’s written out or through a text.
3.I put myself down a lot, I’m so hard on myself
THREE PARTS OF YOUR ETHNICITIES:
1. 75% Tongan & 25% Samoan, nothing less, nothing more.

2. I was raised Samoan with sprinkles of Tongan influence.
3. Im AMERICAN, common misconception is that I cant speak English and that I was born in the islands.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1.Ghosts and Ghoulies
2. My dads RAGE.
3. Losing a memeber of my family.

*special: Riding on 'E'
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Cellphone
2. Food
3. Water

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (OR SAME) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Sense Of Humor
2. Hair
3. Respectful
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Get skinny again.

2.Disrespect elders
3. Play football, i was forced to play, its not that i dont like it, its just not for me. I love the sport though. I just suck at it.

THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:
1. Writer
2. Broadway Performer
3. Comedic Entertainer (like on SNL or something)

until next time fatties :)

be strong, carry on...

Todays thought was inspired sadly by the postings of my family members. My Aunt is in the hospital as I type. Im worried about her, but having faith that she' ll be fine and have a speedy and healthy recovery. Love you Aunty Pola.

The random thought that triggered my urge to blog was about growing older and losing the ones you love (not that I think we're going to lose my Aunt). Just that its a thought that Im sure pretty much everyone thinks of at least once.

I try not to think about it at all because just the idea of losing anyone I hold dear to my heart makes me travel in deep depression and sadness. So I always try and be optimistic and not take in that one day Im gonna lose someone, everyone.

I dont know what Im going to do when its time for my parents to return to our Heavenly Father. I know its inevitable but Ill be lost without them. Same goes to every single person in my family.

I want to be gone before anyone passes so that I wont have to deal with the deniability that someone has passed. I know its pathetic and cowardly but I wont have the strength to say "goodbye for now."

But I know, that one day, we will all return back to our Heavenly Father. One by one. And I'll see everyone again. Its that faith that I have and hold to that'll get me by and carry on with life.

So for now, Live, Love, Learn and have faith.

until next time fatties.

Poison.

You aint right take me high
Then that high it subsides
And my body flat lines
Then you come to revive
Wait wait wait I’m alive
But how long will it last
Will it all come crashing down?
How many doses am I needing now?
What’s the prognosis will you be around?
Or am I just another victim of an assassin that broke my heart down...

"He walks away, the sun goes down, He takes the day, but Im grown. And in this grey, in this blue shade,My Tears Dry On Their Own..."

my bad

okay so i know that i was a little aggresive on my last entry, but when you have no one to turn to and all you wanna do is find comfort in someone, it takes a toll on you. I set myself on fire and I watched myself burn down. I had to let my feelings out so that it wouldnt run around in my head anymore. I must say that it helped a lot, to vent crazy like that.

I know im foolish to say that I had no one to turn to, because I have a lot of friends who care about me and I have so much family that will always be there. I just dont wanna come as an obligation to them. Like they only have to listen because they care about me. So I try to just fix my problems on my own. Im also foolish because I know that the Lord is always there to listen to me when Im down. But I wanted to swear. I know, bad on me. I wanted to swear and get everything bad out before I turned to him.

I just wanna make it clear that I do apologize for my last post. I just wanna let you know (whoever reads my blogs) that I hardly get crazy like that, its just frustration built up to its capacity and it all erupted at once. Thanks for listening, or reading I guess, til next time fatties.

UUGGGGHH

i just need to vent right now and right now i have no one to talk to. I gotta get this shit outta my fucken head. I cant stand being treated this way. I hate finding shit out about you. If your gonna fucken play on me then do it right!! Im not that fucken stupid. I mean I dont know what goes on in your head, if u think im really that stupid that I wont see the bigger picture. Im more intelligent than anyone will ever know!! I just put on a stupid character so that its easier for me to be sound with myself. But SHIT!!! Everytime something like this happens, I work it out and give it time, but I dont know anymore because now everything seems as if theyre falling into place. The distance, the "quoting" of songs ive never ever heard of before and the secret shit I find out about. I hate snooping, but if theres a reason my gut is telling me to snoop than it usually means theres something worth finding out. I admit that i do it to only be let down and get my heart thrown on the floor. After I fucken confront u about it, then more lies are being thrown at me. FUCK, just be real with me, and lemme fuckin know if u tired and shit and Ill leave u be. No matter what heartache and pain Ill go through, Ill do it, because I rather go through hell then make u feel obligated to be with me. If ur tired of this and feel like weve gotten all we can get from each other than lemme fucken know. So i can save us time and leave. but PLLLLEAAASE before i fucken kill myself, dont play games with me, cause Im not gonna have it. Just be straight up, thats all I ask.

the want to be called...

I knew I always wanted to be a missionary when I was younger. I was on the righteous path and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go forth and spread the Gospel for our Heavenly Father. My testimony was strong and I had undeniable faith in our Church. I was excited beyond measure just to know that I was going to be called upon to serve the Lord. Little did I know that I was going to end up in the tempters snare. Temptation got the best of me and I fell away from my scriptures, from my prayers, from my ward, from my faith, from my testimony and from our lord.

My adolescent days brought the worst for me. I was enjoying my rebellious demeanor and my ruthless ways of fun. Not even thinking of my future. Now all I can say that I have from those days is regret and bittersweet memories.

I sit and think of how better off I wouldve been if I just turned away from the adversaries temptation. I wouldve been a returned missionary by now. I wouldve been praised for the good Ive done and the bravery Ive shown for leaving my family and striving on my own with the will of the Lord. My brothers who have been nothing but examples for my family are missionaries. Im so proud of them. With all the surroundings that are layed around them, they had the courage and strength to overcome all obstacles and be an example. And I will always look up to them. They have truly shown me what it is to be a man in this life.

I WOULDVE MADE A GREAT MISSIONARY...

I know I can still go on a mission and that its never too late. But with the circumstance that has gotten a hold of me, Im afraid my dream of all dreams, its nothing but a dream...

My faith and testimony have been restored, stronger than ever. All I need is the strength to press forward and eliminate my problematic personality and gain my righteous path again.

I love the Lord and Savior and not once does an ounce of disbelief flow through my soul. I know my redeemer lives. To bless me with his love and guidance while I struggle with my turmoil. And I will always be in his debt...

I Woke Up

I woke up today with a clear mind to absorb the worlds beauty. I woke up today with sleep in my eyes from a relaxing, deep-soothing sleep. I woke up today with the thought of life and the train that follows through. I woke up today to feel the warmth of the Sun but by the arms of my love. I woke up today to embrace the lips of the sky. I woke up today to caress the skin of the rain. I woke up today to laugh unforgettably. I woke up today to know that everything was going to be alright. I woke up today to search, ponder & pray. I woke up today to fall into an abyss of love, by my love. I woke up today to demand emotion and defeat weakness. I woke up today to see your smile. I woke up today to fill my stomach with mouth watering food and delicious waters. I woke up today to enjoy. I woke up today to repeat my longed-for life and carry it with pride. I woke up today to only be disappointed....

Why must it come to this? We were able to defy gravity together. I hate this feeling that runs around in my veins. Ive been ridin with you for 2 years. It may not seem that long, but it was a lifetime to me. A lifetime that I thought wouldve went for eternity. But the world has gotten the best of you, and I have failed to save you. Which will be my biggest lost and regret. I cant help but cry while these words spill out. Youre my best friend. The one that knows my darkest days and my most brightest. I cant help to feel the sense of resentment from you. Ive done all I can to be everything a man is to his love. I feel less of a man as the letters type on. Ive sacrificed so much for you. Ive NEVER asked you to change anything about you because I fell in love with that person. I gave you all of me and never taken it back. I love you and I know I will always love you. Im so scared right now. Im filled with pain and sorrow. The energy to weap is drying thin. I need you..Ive never felt so pathetic but still, I need you.

Why is LOVE & LIFE such a dirt road. Youre traveling through the rocks and dirt having the FAITH that theres a layed out cement road to safely travel across...My road as it seems, is coming to end. I know it seems like a played out cliche but you never really know about it, till you see about it...

I woke up today to smile at you. I woke up today to play with you. I woke up today to stare into your eyes. I woke up today to hear your voice. I woke up today to need you. I woke up today to want you. I woke up today to love you endlessly.

I woke up today, wishing I didnt.

I Just Cant Help it

Have you ever watched a movie or t.v show and at then end of the clip,

your inner desire is to be part of the film or show? I have, and it happens

all the time. For instance, I just seen the film, "The Karate Kid" and during

the entire sitting for the film all I could think about was being a little black

kid with cornrows who lives in China that learns Kung-Fu!! I kept doing

the moves in my head and mimicing the lines. I wanted to go all out in the

theatre but my friend I was with probably wouldve left my ass there and bounced. But I

couldnt help it. It happens to pretty much every film or show that I find interesting.

And when I watch a scary movie where theres a serial killer, I always act so dramatic like hes

after me. Ill turn a corner very slowly and and fall stupidly when Im running, only to stand up

and see everyone looking at me awkwardly and laughing, I just cant help it.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is a show that every

time I watch it, in my head my name is "JOHNNY

KARDASHIAN" hahaha I imagine myself shopping and

drinking and being on photoshoots and swearing at my

mom. Theyre a funny family, but in reality I wouldnt want

to be part of their family. I wouldnt change mine for the

universe. I believe that if a camera crew followed my

family and I around all day, that our show would be a big

success. We have drama and undeniable laughs that

always keeps everyone wanting more. I have no idea why my mind thinks the way it does,

but if it didnt, then I probably would be the most boring person ever. So be glad Im the way I

am ;)

At the end of the day, Im still fat.

So something the other day stirred the wrinkles in my brain. My friends and I were going to the Stratosphere Hotel & Casino to go on the rides at the top of the building. I gotta admit that when the subject was brought up about going on the ride, I hesitated quickly and just said I didnt want to go. I mean who am I kidding, Im WAY to big to even begin to start thinking about going on roller coasters. But they insisted I go anyways to see. So in my mind im thinking, maybe Ill fit, its worth a try I guess. I get all the way to the top of the building, keep in mind that my nerves are shaking and my blood is rushing through my veins so quickly i think im gonna pass out, we get to the top and of course I was right, I didnt fit the ride. My first instinct was to break the seat and punch the workers in the face, but I didnt want to make a bigger scene than it already was. So I got off quietly and walked back to the line and stood there watching my love and my friends get on, laughing and nervously talking to each other about how excited they were. I stood there while my heart was breaking and my soul weaping. I couldnt stop thinking of how ugly and stupid I look standing there alone. All I wanted to do was jump off the building and end my turmoil of sad fatness. I kept thinking that I am the most outgoing person alive, I live for the excitement that life brings us and take advantage of every second of every minute of every hour and so on. But here I was, standing on the side watching people ride. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! ugh! Ive never felt so FAT. Its bad enough I hear constantly from my surroundings of how big Ive gotten. I swear everytime I run into someone new that I havent seen in awhile, the first words are, "wow, youve gotten bigger from the last time" WHY DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER?! Im sorry to curse but sometimes theres no other way to express yourself. People act as if they aint big themselves. and it hurts more when it comes from someone who is so close to your heart and soul. Why cant I just be accepted for the person who I am today? As if I dont have to put up with the degrading and obnoxious remarks about the "type" of relationship Im in. At the end of the day, Im glad I went to the top to see the ride. It triggered something deep inside me. It opened my eyes to see that when people say big is beautiful, its a damn lie. Its not beautiful. It causes depression and hard-hitting reflexes. In this world I live in, I gotta be thin again to be accepted. I honestly believe that everyone has the fear of not being accepted. I can tell you that its one of my deepest fears. Eh, at the end of the day, with all my feelings and thoughts spilled out on the floor, Im still a fat guy complaining about weight and looks. I know its up to me to change it but, how can I when the world is fat too? Such a confusing life I live. After this, all I am is hungry. Until next time fatties.

I am not reggae, I am me. I am bigger than the limits that are put on me. It all has to do with the individual journey.
-Ziggy Marley

wish I were a better man..

I am a man who is Samoan. I am a man who is Tongan. I am a man who is American. I am a man who is California born. I am a man who is Here & There raised. I am a man with faults. I am a man with desire. I am a man with needs. I am a man in Love. I am a man who is Loved. I am a man with Family. I am a man with friends. I am a man who is overly sensitive. I am a man with brute strength. I am a man who cares. I am a man whos favorite color is All Shades of Green. I am a man whos attitude is “Just”. I am with an incredible sense of humor. I am a man who can get by. I am a man with sin. I am a man with hunger. I am a man with talent. I am a man with smarts. I am a man with tricks. I am a man with so much more…

I always try and stay consistent with the persona I portray to the world, but I

know better. I know that you cant always stay the same person your entire life.

I feel that if I change any part of my being, Ill be less accepted than I already

am. With all the portaits of my soul flowing with the wind for the world to see, I

still have the gut feeling that the world still doesnt know the true man that I am.

Soon though, soon…

Moment of Honesty

“you give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I think I deserve it. It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore and I can’t take it…”

Sometimes I think quoting a love song is ridiculous but then sometimes theres no other way to express your feelings.

I use to believe that being in love is like fools gold, when u find it youve completely fallen for its beauty and worth but when it unfolds, its nothing but a souvenir. Im proud to say that I no longer hold that belief. Im in a type of ‘love’ that mostly no one understands and I could care less if no one agrees with it. It is my life right? I know Im probably gonna get a lot of SHIT about this but its nothing I cant handle.

have u ever fallen in LOVE with your best friend?

I have. Im glad I did. So what if my best friend is a guy, love is love right? I dont know how I kept it up, lying to myself for 20 years. I am who I am, PERIOD. but do YOU know who I am? Im a man that is with another man. I hate to use the phrase “gay” but what else describes it. I dont think that I am “gay” but to the world thats what I am. I still find females attractive and I dont look at guys that way, only the one Im with. STRANGE, isnt it? Well thats who I am.

Someone told me once, that Heavenly Father created ‘Adam & Eve’ not ‘Adam & Steve’…

Regrettably, I didnt respond. They were right. I know Im livin in sin but is being happy and being yourself a SIN? I honestly believe that Heavenly Father wants me to be HAPPY and to be MYSELF and right now, IM HAPPY. Wheres the happiness if I hid myself away from the world, my TRUE self? There is none if I did. So therefor Im doing what I need to do to be happy.

just another random thought that continues endlessly, a thought about my love & my life…

its like a sour patch

So my brother Benny

gave me the idea for this “segment”…he was

in the making of another song (hes very talented) and I couldnt stop

thinking of the cliche “if walls could talk…”

If all the walls that surrounded me when I was growing up could talk, they

would tell a never-ending story of the battles and tribulations my family and

I went through…it was like a sour patch candy. Sour when you start out,

but sweetens when you follow through…

Our walls have been overlapped wih everlasting tears and

unforgettable laughs and I will never in my life, PAINT over them..

Lettering...it can be life.

My name is Johnny. I use to believe that the amount of letters in your name shows the depth of character and personality for someone.

“6”…That was my number.

After living the life Ive lived for the past 22 years, I STRONGLY believe that I have the persona, charisma and attitude of a “26” letter name..

Im glad Im finally starting this, its something I shouldve done so long ago. This will show you why i believe so strongly about being a “26” letter name…

What number are you?