At the end of the day, Im still fat.

So something the other day stirred the wrinkles in my brain. My friends and I were going to the Stratosphere Hotel & Casino to go on the rides at the top of the building. I gotta admit that when the subject was brought up about going on the ride, I hesitated quickly and just said I didnt want to go. I mean who am I kidding, Im WAY to big to even begin to start thinking about going on roller coasters. But they insisted I go anyways to see. So in my mind im thinking, maybe Ill fit, its worth a try I guess. I get all the way to the top of the building, keep in mind that my nerves are shaking and my blood is rushing through my veins so quickly i think im gonna pass out, we get to the top and of course I was right, I didnt fit the ride. My first instinct was to break the seat and punch the workers in the face, but I didnt want to make a bigger scene than it already was. So I got off quietly and walked back to the line and stood there watching my love and my friends get on, laughing and nervously talking to each other about how excited they were. I stood there while my heart was breaking and my soul weaping. I couldnt stop thinking of how ugly and stupid I look standing there alone. All I wanted to do was jump off the building and end my turmoil of sad fatness. I kept thinking that I am the most outgoing person alive, I live for the excitement that life brings us and take advantage of every second of every minute of every hour and so on. But here I was, standing on the side watching people ride. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! ugh! Ive never felt so FAT. Its bad enough I hear constantly from my surroundings of how big Ive gotten. I swear everytime I run into someone new that I havent seen in awhile, the first words are, "wow, youve gotten bigger from the last time" WHY DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER?! Im sorry to curse but sometimes theres no other way to express yourself. People act as if they aint big themselves. and it hurts more when it comes from someone who is so close to your heart and soul. Why cant I just be accepted for the person who I am today? As if I dont have to put up with the degrading and obnoxious remarks about the "type" of relationship Im in. At the end of the day, Im glad I went to the top to see the ride. It triggered something deep inside me. It opened my eyes to see that when people say big is beautiful, its a damn lie. Its not beautiful. It causes depression and hard-hitting reflexes. In this world I live in, I gotta be thin again to be accepted. I honestly believe that everyone has the fear of not being accepted. I can tell you that its one of my deepest fears. Eh, at the end of the day, with all my feelings and thoughts spilled out on the floor, Im still a fat guy complaining about weight and looks. I know its up to me to change it but, how can I when the world is fat too? Such a confusing life I live. After this, all I am is hungry. Until next time fatties.