"He walks away, the sun goes down, He takes the day, but Im grown. And in this grey, in this blue shade,My Tears Dry On Their Own..."

my bad

okay so i know that i was a little aggresive on my last entry, but when you have no one to turn to and all you wanna do is find comfort in someone, it takes a toll on you. I set myself on fire and I watched myself burn down. I had to let my feelings out so that it wouldnt run around in my head anymore. I must say that it helped a lot, to vent crazy like that.

I know im foolish to say that I had no one to turn to, because I have a lot of friends who care about me and I have so much family that will always be there. I just dont wanna come as an obligation to them. Like they only have to listen because they care about me. So I try to just fix my problems on my own. Im also foolish because I know that the Lord is always there to listen to me when Im down. But I wanted to swear. I know, bad on me. I wanted to swear and get everything bad out before I turned to him.

I just wanna make it clear that I do apologize for my last post. I just wanna let you know (whoever reads my blogs) that I hardly get crazy like that, its just frustration built up to its capacity and it all erupted at once. Thanks for listening, or reading I guess, til next time fatties.

UUGGGGHH

i just need to vent right now and right now i have no one to talk to. I gotta get this shit outta my fucken head. I cant stand being treated this way. I hate finding shit out about you. If your gonna fucken play on me then do it right!! Im not that fucken stupid. I mean I dont know what goes on in your head, if u think im really that stupid that I wont see the bigger picture. Im more intelligent than anyone will ever know!! I just put on a stupid character so that its easier for me to be sound with myself. But SHIT!!! Everytime something like this happens, I work it out and give it time, but I dont know anymore because now everything seems as if theyre falling into place. The distance, the "quoting" of songs ive never ever heard of before and the secret shit I find out about. I hate snooping, but if theres a reason my gut is telling me to snoop than it usually means theres something worth finding out. I admit that i do it to only be let down and get my heart thrown on the floor. After I fucken confront u about it, then more lies are being thrown at me. FUCK, just be real with me, and lemme fuckin know if u tired and shit and Ill leave u be. No matter what heartache and pain Ill go through, Ill do it, because I rather go through hell then make u feel obligated to be with me. If ur tired of this and feel like weve gotten all we can get from each other than lemme fucken know. So i can save us time and leave. but PLLLLEAAASE before i fucken kill myself, dont play games with me, cause Im not gonna have it. Just be straight up, thats all I ask.

the want to be called...

I knew I always wanted to be a missionary when I was younger. I was on the righteous path and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go forth and spread the Gospel for our Heavenly Father. My testimony was strong and I had undeniable faith in our Church. I was excited beyond measure just to know that I was going to be called upon to serve the Lord. Little did I know that I was going to end up in the tempters snare. Temptation got the best of me and I fell away from my scriptures, from my prayers, from my ward, from my faith, from my testimony and from our lord.

My adolescent days brought the worst for me. I was enjoying my rebellious demeanor and my ruthless ways of fun. Not even thinking of my future. Now all I can say that I have from those days is regret and bittersweet memories.

I sit and think of how better off I wouldve been if I just turned away from the adversaries temptation. I wouldve been a returned missionary by now. I wouldve been praised for the good Ive done and the bravery Ive shown for leaving my family and striving on my own with the will of the Lord. My brothers who have been nothing but examples for my family are missionaries. Im so proud of them. With all the surroundings that are layed around them, they had the courage and strength to overcome all obstacles and be an example. And I will always look up to them. They have truly shown me what it is to be a man in this life.

I WOULDVE MADE A GREAT MISSIONARY...

I know I can still go on a mission and that its never too late. But with the circumstance that has gotten a hold of me, Im afraid my dream of all dreams, its nothing but a dream...

My faith and testimony have been restored, stronger than ever. All I need is the strength to press forward and eliminate my problematic personality and gain my righteous path again.

I love the Lord and Savior and not once does an ounce of disbelief flow through my soul. I know my redeemer lives. To bless me with his love and guidance while I struggle with my turmoil. And I will always be in his debt...

I Woke Up

I woke up today with a clear mind to absorb the worlds beauty. I woke up today with sleep in my eyes from a relaxing, deep-soothing sleep. I woke up today with the thought of life and the train that follows through. I woke up today to feel the warmth of the Sun but by the arms of my love. I woke up today to embrace the lips of the sky. I woke up today to caress the skin of the rain. I woke up today to laugh unforgettably. I woke up today to know that everything was going to be alright. I woke up today to search, ponder & pray. I woke up today to fall into an abyss of love, by my love. I woke up today to demand emotion and defeat weakness. I woke up today to see your smile. I woke up today to fill my stomach with mouth watering food and delicious waters. I woke up today to enjoy. I woke up today to repeat my longed-for life and carry it with pride. I woke up today to only be disappointed....

Why must it come to this? We were able to defy gravity together. I hate this feeling that runs around in my veins. Ive been ridin with you for 2 years. It may not seem that long, but it was a lifetime to me. A lifetime that I thought wouldve went for eternity. But the world has gotten the best of you, and I have failed to save you. Which will be my biggest lost and regret. I cant help but cry while these words spill out. Youre my best friend. The one that knows my darkest days and my most brightest. I cant help to feel the sense of resentment from you. Ive done all I can to be everything a man is to his love. I feel less of a man as the letters type on. Ive sacrificed so much for you. Ive NEVER asked you to change anything about you because I fell in love with that person. I gave you all of me and never taken it back. I love you and I know I will always love you. Im so scared right now. Im filled with pain and sorrow. The energy to weap is drying thin. I need you..Ive never felt so pathetic but still, I need you.

Why is LOVE & LIFE such a dirt road. Youre traveling through the rocks and dirt having the FAITH that theres a layed out cement road to safely travel across...My road as it seems, is coming to end. I know it seems like a played out cliche but you never really know about it, till you see about it...

I woke up today to smile at you. I woke up today to play with you. I woke up today to stare into your eyes. I woke up today to hear your voice. I woke up today to need you. I woke up today to want you. I woke up today to love you endlessly.

I woke up today, wishing I didnt.

I Just Cant Help it

Have you ever watched a movie or t.v show and at then end of the clip,

your inner desire is to be part of the film or show? I have, and it happens

all the time. For instance, I just seen the film, "The Karate Kid" and during

the entire sitting for the film all I could think about was being a little black

kid with cornrows who lives in China that learns Kung-Fu!! I kept doing

the moves in my head and mimicing the lines. I wanted to go all out in the

theatre but my friend I was with probably wouldve left my ass there and bounced. But I

couldnt help it. It happens to pretty much every film or show that I find interesting.

And when I watch a scary movie where theres a serial killer, I always act so dramatic like hes

after me. Ill turn a corner very slowly and and fall stupidly when Im running, only to stand up

and see everyone looking at me awkwardly and laughing, I just cant help it.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is a show that every

time I watch it, in my head my name is "JOHNNY

KARDASHIAN" hahaha I imagine myself shopping and

drinking and being on photoshoots and swearing at my

mom. Theyre a funny family, but in reality I wouldnt want

to be part of their family. I wouldnt change mine for the

universe. I believe that if a camera crew followed my

family and I around all day, that our show would be a big

success. We have drama and undeniable laughs that

always keeps everyone wanting more. I have no idea why my mind thinks the way it does,

but if it didnt, then I probably would be the most boring person ever. So be glad Im the way I

am ;)

At the end of the day, Im still fat.

So something the other day stirred the wrinkles in my brain. My friends and I were going to the Stratosphere Hotel & Casino to go on the rides at the top of the building. I gotta admit that when the subject was brought up about going on the ride, I hesitated quickly and just said I didnt want to go. I mean who am I kidding, Im WAY to big to even begin to start thinking about going on roller coasters. But they insisted I go anyways to see. So in my mind im thinking, maybe Ill fit, its worth a try I guess. I get all the way to the top of the building, keep in mind that my nerves are shaking and my blood is rushing through my veins so quickly i think im gonna pass out, we get to the top and of course I was right, I didnt fit the ride. My first instinct was to break the seat and punch the workers in the face, but I didnt want to make a bigger scene than it already was. So I got off quietly and walked back to the line and stood there watching my love and my friends get on, laughing and nervously talking to each other about how excited they were. I stood there while my heart was breaking and my soul weaping. I couldnt stop thinking of how ugly and stupid I look standing there alone. All I wanted to do was jump off the building and end my turmoil of sad fatness. I kept thinking that I am the most outgoing person alive, I live for the excitement that life brings us and take advantage of every second of every minute of every hour and so on. But here I was, standing on the side watching people ride. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! ugh! Ive never felt so FAT. Its bad enough I hear constantly from my surroundings of how big Ive gotten. I swear everytime I run into someone new that I havent seen in awhile, the first words are, "wow, youve gotten bigger from the last time" WHY DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER?! Im sorry to curse but sometimes theres no other way to express yourself. People act as if they aint big themselves. and it hurts more when it comes from someone who is so close to your heart and soul. Why cant I just be accepted for the person who I am today? As if I dont have to put up with the degrading and obnoxious remarks about the "type" of relationship Im in. At the end of the day, Im glad I went to the top to see the ride. It triggered something deep inside me. It opened my eyes to see that when people say big is beautiful, its a damn lie. Its not beautiful. It causes depression and hard-hitting reflexes. In this world I live in, I gotta be thin again to be accepted. I honestly believe that everyone has the fear of not being accepted. I can tell you that its one of my deepest fears. Eh, at the end of the day, with all my feelings and thoughts spilled out on the floor, Im still a fat guy complaining about weight and looks. I know its up to me to change it but, how can I when the world is fat too? Such a confusing life I live. After this, all I am is hungry. Until next time fatties.

I am not reggae, I am me. I am bigger than the limits that are put on me. It all has to do with the individual journey.
-Ziggy Marley

wish I were a better man..

I am a man who is Samoan. I am a man who is Tongan. I am a man who is American. I am a man who is California born. I am a man who is Here & There raised. I am a man with faults. I am a man with desire. I am a man with needs. I am a man in Love. I am a man who is Loved. I am a man with Family. I am a man with friends. I am a man who is overly sensitive. I am a man with brute strength. I am a man who cares. I am a man whos favorite color is All Shades of Green. I am a man whos attitude is “Just”. I am with an incredible sense of humor. I am a man who can get by. I am a man with sin. I am a man with hunger. I am a man with talent. I am a man with smarts. I am a man with tricks. I am a man with so much more…

I always try and stay consistent with the persona I portray to the world, but I

know better. I know that you cant always stay the same person your entire life.

I feel that if I change any part of my being, Ill be less accepted than I already

am. With all the portaits of my soul flowing with the wind for the world to see, I

still have the gut feeling that the world still doesnt know the true man that I am.

Soon though, soon…

Moment of Honesty

“you give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I think I deserve it. It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore and I can’t take it…”

Sometimes I think quoting a love song is ridiculous but then sometimes theres no other way to express your feelings.

I use to believe that being in love is like fools gold, when u find it youve completely fallen for its beauty and worth but when it unfolds, its nothing but a souvenir. Im proud to say that I no longer hold that belief. Im in a type of ‘love’ that mostly no one understands and I could care less if no one agrees with it. It is my life right? I know Im probably gonna get a lot of SHIT about this but its nothing I cant handle.

have u ever fallen in LOVE with your best friend?

I have. Im glad I did. So what if my best friend is a guy, love is love right? I dont know how I kept it up, lying to myself for 20 years. I am who I am, PERIOD. but do YOU know who I am? Im a man that is with another man. I hate to use the phrase “gay” but what else describes it. I dont think that I am “gay” but to the world thats what I am. I still find females attractive and I dont look at guys that way, only the one Im with. STRANGE, isnt it? Well thats who I am.

Someone told me once, that Heavenly Father created ‘Adam & Eve’ not ‘Adam & Steve’…

Regrettably, I didnt respond. They were right. I know Im livin in sin but is being happy and being yourself a SIN? I honestly believe that Heavenly Father wants me to be HAPPY and to be MYSELF and right now, IM HAPPY. Wheres the happiness if I hid myself away from the world, my TRUE self? There is none if I did. So therefor Im doing what I need to do to be happy.

just another random thought that continues endlessly, a thought about my love & my life…

its like a sour patch

So my brother Benny

gave me the idea for this “segment”…he was

in the making of another song (hes very talented) and I couldnt stop

thinking of the cliche “if walls could talk…”

If all the walls that surrounded me when I was growing up could talk, they

would tell a never-ending story of the battles and tribulations my family and

I went through…it was like a sour patch candy. Sour when you start out,

but sweetens when you follow through…

Our walls have been overlapped wih everlasting tears and

unforgettable laughs and I will never in my life, PAINT over them..

Lettering...it can be life.

My name is Johnny. I use to believe that the amount of letters in your name shows the depth of character and personality for someone.

“6”…That was my number.

After living the life Ive lived for the past 22 years, I STRONGLY believe that I have the persona, charisma and attitude of a “26” letter name..

Im glad Im finally starting this, its something I shouldve done so long ago. This will show you why i believe so strongly about being a “26” letter name…

What number are you?