Sorrows won't bring tomorrows

I've been lacking on expressing my darkest feelings for such a long time now. What happened to me to make my strength disappear? What did I do for jealousy to make a monster out of me? Everywhere I turn I'm greeted with the bullshit cliches of "push forward & never give up"and its literally a pain in my ass. Can the world just pause for a minute and let me catch up with it? Im drowning in a pool of my regrets and its taking a toll on my once beautiful soul. I wish that I was a master of saying goodbye. I can't breathe with the blazing fire against my wrinkling skin. The forest of brutul honesty is such a douche. Curse the remnants of a broken heart and the splatterings of glitter that onced glistened on my cheeks to show off a proud man that could dance away under the off white moonlight. Haunted by the unseen force that keeps me locked here in this dragonless jail cell. Where is my happiness? Where is the magical moment of flying without wings? Although this poor excuse of a smile is smiling, it doesn't wrap the degrading and unjust thoughts of my screaming mind. I'm strong, I know it. I feel it. Its there, waiting for my fists of steel to rip it up and wear it proudly like a hunter and its kill. Til that long overdue time comes, I'll be here in my dragonless jail cell with an empty picture frame waiting to fill it with memories of everlasting glory. Tomorrow couldn't come any faster. Love, me.

Ramblings of a Fatty.

Alright. So many things keep changing in my life without my consent. Its really starting to piss me off and Im about to rip a baby deers heart out. From my hair growing out (which is now in the ugly stage) to the tremendous amount of applications being filled to everywhere but your mamas house, to now only owning ONE fucking pair of shoes!

Did I make a mistake? Should I have stayed on that stupid less taken path?

Its such bullshit when you wake up one day and realize that youre a full grown adult.

Responsibilty is at a whole new level for me and its making me wanna chop my butt off.

Ive always thought I was strong enough to stand up and control the colors of the wind

but it seems as if a tornado has come and blasted my ass off to Oz. You know, the Oz where you get raped in jail.

Life isnt easy, yeah I get that. But Life shouldnt make you wish to sleep forever.

I dont think putting a smile on my face is going to last any longer. Theres a rhino in my

soul and its coming out full force with that big ugly horn. Im about to have a breaking point

and I aint singing no Keri Hilson.

When I made that decision to start over and move back home, I didnt think my life would

succomb to a downfall of tears, heartache and extreme jealousy.

And if another person tells me to try harder, Im going to fuck them in the face.

I have a whole new respect for rock bottom. Its comfy with a sprinkle of self-loathing.

Im strong though. Very strong. Im a GREAT person. So why?

Why does the world have to be so damn cruel to the good guys?

Yeah, Ive made horrible mistakes in the past and Ive hurt people. But Ive owned up to them.

I gave my soul and karma kicked me in the balls.

I deserve every ounce of this damned life.

At the end of the day Im still the fat young man sitting in front of the computer.

Change is only good when you have the strength. Lesson learned.

Hopefully my outburst will trigger that flame of fire and desire that I once had.

Only time will tell.

Stand strong and never give up hope. Theres always a resting pond after the dry desert.

Oh, and for that 30 day challenge thingy that I was doing...that can go suck a cock.

I aint doin that shit no more. Or at least until I have nothing else to say.

'til next time fatties.

Make Sense To Me

So closely to end the sickness of despair, for once a thought of troubles melting like lemon drops, is no more than a meer nightmare. Make sense to this unfathomable dungeon where my dragon is chained down. Such chaos, I swear, though I shouldnt but I do. Just this question, why? Why become so "loose off that goose" if you cant bare with the rising sun? Haunt me so gently, but roughly. So that I can learn and live joyously. Make sense? It should. Once said, "I thought love would be my cure, but now its my disease"..Switch love to life and make it sing like an unforgettable projecting choir of harmonies galore. Should I explore? Yes. Yes. Yes. Bending at the knees and folding up your E's, letting him in to deliver the guidance to the sickening of my distraught soul. Pleasurable it may seem but undeniable it will be. Make sense? Good...

internet junkie

I cant be just on one blog site. I gotta have 2!

(not to mention I also have a Twitter, Facebook AND a Youtube)

I have no idea why, maybe to fill the void in my life, where "friends" should be. haha

I mean, who said you have to go outside to have fun?!?!?! shoot. sigh.

I started my first blog on Tumblr because all the cool kids were on there.

But I experienced Blogger and I absolutely adored it!

(and there were even more cooler kids)

Now what to do with 2 blogs?

Do I post the same entries on both? It started out that way. But its hard work.

So I came to the conclusion that Ill try and post the same

entries, but if that doesnt work out then

one blog will get one entry and the other a different one.

Just be lucky Im even trying to attempt to blog at all!

with the WILD life i live. HA!

So thanks for wasting your time to read this pointless but honest blog,

whoever you are...

til next time skinnies :)

Day 14: Someone you’ve drifted away from

The person I drifted away from is myself.

The past 2 and a half years I thought I was in control of my soul.

i was lying to myself.

I lost my inner everything. Thats why its so hard to find myself again and get

back on that track of self-enlightenment.

"to smile without reason" is a cry away.

Nothing compares to the love i showed myself before.

i was beautiful in my eyes.

"Conceited" is a term used only by those of UGLY.

I know youre out there Johnny, Im going to find you.

whether it be now or later, I WILL find you.

And when I do, its so ON! :)

-note to self, HURRY.

New Beginnings

I know I started a 30 Day challenge and I just stopped out of nowhere but

Life took a toll on me and gave me whiplash. So I'll just continue with that

with the days to come ;)

A lot has happened since the last time we spoke. A gripload.

Like a lot a lot!! Like Im not even kidding! A continuous line of unbelievability that

ceases to deterioate my breathing soul. Now do you see?

Ive lived my standards up to its max and Ill hold my grounds.

With that being said, I loathe the fact that people write about relationship issue related

"drama" on the internet. But Im a hypocrite. Ive done it on here. My blog. Ill

live up to that. I regret it. I can see why one would want to do it though. Its a hard knock life.

So, in other words, Im not going to say how my once "Longed-For" love is now at a end.

Just that, its an ending to a fairy tale that replayed...

Ive recently moved back home and started my life on the D-List.

Although my parents and family were ecstatic about the change. I was hesistant.

Not about the decision I made, but about my life.

How does one go from being independent to "depend on"?

My sister Camilla told me, "no one said it was gonna be easy, just worth it"

Those words have haunted me day in and day out. I tried to put a smile on and cover the

pain of starting over but its exceedingly hard. eh.

So, I decided to start with the most obvious. GET MY BODY BACK.

Two and a half years of letting myself go and not taking care of my health has left

a sadden look on my oversized chins.

So for those of you who dont know, Ive been excercising and dieting like no other.

It has taken so much pressure off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again.

Just taking it one day at a time.

I have my family and friends to thank. You all have been the best support system!

Ill give you all a dollar ;)

With trust unfolded and heart mending , my mind is at peace.

From the dogs chasing me and cars honking, my mind breathes.

The cries that turned into laughter, my mind is at attention.

Watch out world, my mind is free.

til next time fatties :)

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you

Someone I wish could forgive me is my family.

Forgive me for being so overly sensitive and hard headed.

Forgive me for leaving the house and leaving my responsibilities.

Forgive me for all my sins.

I know Im so messed up right now, but Ill get better and make it right.

please just forgive my daily demeanors...

ill come around.

Day 12: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Im going to make this brief.

I dont give a damn if youve caused me pain.

Whats done is done.

Look towards the winding roads that stand before us.

Never dwell on the past trials.

If you do, than YOU are the one that causes yourself the most pain.

Enough said.

Day 11: A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

A person I would love to talk to thats deceased is my Grandpa. My Moms Dad.

Ive gotten to know my Grandma and both of my Dads parents but

my Grandpa passed away when I was young. So I dont remember him. Im glad I know

that he at least held and kissed me once.

From all the stories I hear about him and all the good things hes done in his life,

I know that I would be in GREAT company if I were to sit with him and talk.

I want him to tell me if hes proud to have me as his grandson.

I would love to sit and hear him speak. To hear his voice and make jokes about

my mom and her siblings. I hear he was a funny man.

Sadly, I dont have a picture of him to display with this entry. But I'll get

one from my Mom later and post it up.

I love him and miss him even though I dont remember him.

Having faith knowing that he loved me is what brings those feelings.

Ill make you proud Grandpa. Tell Grandma I love her!

Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

This image says it all.

a picture that brought me much laughter.

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet

Someone I wish I could meet..

I actually wanna meet people I already know.

I wanna meet my parents when they were young. Before they met each other.

To see how they were. To see if the "good" children they said they were is true.

I wanna know who they played with and see the first day they met each other.

I love hearing stories about them but i wanna see that moment.

I just wanna go back and see not just them, but my Uncles and Aunties

and my grandparents. To the time when my generation wasnt here.

I just wanna go back in time and see them and befriend them.

And most of all to tell my grandparents that they have wonderful grandchildren.

Thats who I want to meet. My parents, when they were young.

Day 8: Your favorite internet friend

My favorite internet friend..

I dont have a favorite internet friend. Everyone is my favorite internet friend.

Being that all of my close family friends are everywhere except Vegas, I

usually keep in touch with everyone via internet, with the exception of my

family that is here with me. So in short YOU are all my faves!!! :D

Day 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

To you,

I hope life is treating you well with all your endeavors.

Sincerely Me.

Day 6: A stranger

Dear Stranger,

Say hi to me, im fun :)

Being able to relate to a perfect stranger makes me feel like the world isn’t so big after all..

I saw you . . You were all by yourself with your big black and orange sunglasses. We were playing volleyball in a circle that you happened to be in the outskirts of. I saw you watching us all, as if wanting to join in. Why didn’t you? You should have, instead of being alone and working on your tan. The whole two hours that we played in front of you, you just stared and tracked the ball in the sky. You nearly got hit a couple of times, and yet you still didn’t stir from your cozy lonesome chair. Young girl, you are a puzzling character to me. I hope that whatever was on your mind then is now at ease, and that you will be more sociable and talk to strangers. May you have a glorious tan.

Elementary school taught me not to talk to you.
Middle school taught me to reject your sweet offers and deny your ride.
High school taught me to proceed with caution.
Working taught me to mingle.
Life has taught me that strangers are just friends waiting to be found.
Unless you look like a effing creep and weirdo.
But until that happens,
I will remain just as much of a stranger as you are to me.

til next time fatties :)

Day 5: Your dreams

A dream is a wish your heart makes...
Here are some of my main hopeless aspirations in a nutshell.

Enjoy :D

To fly without wings

i know its ridiculous but its a dream that i will always dream. to be able to soar over the ocean and swim in the clouds is a childs fantasy. guess im a child & im lovin it.

Survive in the "Concrete Jungle"

I hear NYC is one of the most extreme cities to live in, I would love to conquer that. To eat a pretzel and a hot dog from a street vendor. To be a lame tourist and buy an "I love New York" t-shirt. Renting a run down studio thats the size of my bathroom and waving down those infamous taxi's...One day.

Star on Broadway

I know I would be great on the stage. I use to pursue that dream in high school but ruined engagements led to a dream killed. I have the projecting ability of a male "Jennifer Hudson", or so I think :) And I can make anyone laugh! I wouldnt doubt that I would make an audition and be a star.

To be called "Dad"

I would love to hear the words "Daddy" or "Dad" or "Papa" or "Pops" and so on. To have a Daddys Girl or a son who wants to be just like his Dad is priceless to me. I want to be able to share my children with the world, I want to see how my kids would look like, and if I would be a great parent. Time will tell.

Explore the world The day I travel the world and see the many colors of nature and people is the day I win a million dollars. HAHA Because seriously, you need money to do all that! hehe But WHAT a sensation that must be to experience the cliche of "a whole new world"! Seeing and hearing and eating and feeling and smelling and embracing other works of the world rather than the sweet comfort of home. How thrilling is that? All in due time.

Theres so much more that I dream, but I'll just leave it at that.

til next time fatties :)

Day 4: Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dear Siblings,

To all of my siblings, not just my immediate but also my extended.

You are all my brothers and sisters no matter what.

In this life we've come so far, and we're not only who we are

but also have each other in ourselves.

Sibling rivalry is the most feared concept in all of parenthood...

but with us, we know how to handle our situations...most of the time :)

From calling each other bro and sis to yelling at each other with fatso and annoying,

we have grown so much and learned a lot along the way.

I wouldnt have chosen any other family to be apart of because

ours is the best. Enough said :)

Someone once said, "its weird, yet cool that you all love to hang out with each other because i hate hanging out with my family..."

I just laughed. They dont understand what we have. I couldnt imagine a world

without you guys. You guys are the closest beings in my life.

Im so proud to share the same blood with you all.

We have our horrible downs and when we have them, theyre not just downs, theyre HELLA

DOWN!! but when we have our ups, the reach further than the stars.

Im happy we all hold that bond that no one else has.

I never thought when I was younger that everything would turn out the way it did.

That the once "older girls" are now mothers and now my bestest friends lol

and the "boys" have now become the Men of the family.

(we'll, im still on my way there lol)

and the kids are STILL the kids! haha seriously though, the kids are growing way too fast.

Enjoy your childhood my lil ones, for itll pass you quickly.

I never thought I'd see the day where we all go our separate ways and

have little families of own. Remember the days when we use

to all live in one house all together? *tear*

I love you my brothers and sisters. Forever and ever.

I know with all my heart that 20 years from now

we are still going to be exactly the same, beating our kids. hahaha

I wouldnt have it any other way :)

Love you guys!!!!

-johnny boy.

until next time fatties :)

Day 3: Your Parents

Dear Mama & Papa,

John and Tupou Tauta...

The reason why I strive for a better life and proud moments.

Mom and Dad, you have been the most important people in my life

and the most inspriring of all.

You have shown me how to survive in this life when you are gone and

taught me our culture and shown me how to respect and live right.

Im so thankful that Heavenly Father chose you to be my parents and to guide and protect me and to teach me right from wrong.

Ive seen you both struggle to take care of us and I hope I have that same

strength and courage youve had so that I can be strong and make the best decisions in life.

I know that Im a screw up and youre probably

wondering when am I going to get my , for lack of a better term, "shit", together and

Im telling you, I will.

I wont let you leave this world without making you proud.

I know Ive caused you such heartache with

the choices Ive made and Im sorry for being such a bad son.

I will live up to the name and make you happy that

Im your son.

I love you Mom and Dad.\

No one could ever replace you and no one can ever top you.

You are truly the best parents any kid could ask for.

Thank you for being my parents.

-your fat son :')

until next time fatties :')

Day 2: Crush

Dear Crush,

I dont have a crush. The only person I crush on is the person Im with. And if any of you know me at all, than you already know who that person is.

Im going to just jump into conclusion here and say

that todays entry is going to be somewhat...."short" :)

He knows how I feel about him.

Since there is no crush to write to then there is no blog.

So in short...

Until next time fatties :)

One of the funniest pictures I have EVER seen!

this picture is classic.